The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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