Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
