I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
