You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
