Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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