i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
