Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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