Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
