Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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