just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Randomize
