I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
