It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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