i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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