just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
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