I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
