Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Randomize
