Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
