Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
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