We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
