Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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