Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Randomize
