My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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