Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My pussy is not your playground.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
