Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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