I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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