I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
