If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
