If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
