I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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