The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
