yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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