I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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