So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
