The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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