Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
