dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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