i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
