my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
