mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
