dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
