I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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