there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
