the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
