he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
