can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
