I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
