I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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