Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
