Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
