im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Randomize
